Take the jump to see the rest of this gruesome photo, and to get the details of what I learned today…

When I was a teen I mowed lawns for money.  I mowed the church lawn – which was like an acre.  I also mowed our back yard lawn – which was like an acre.  Then my dad would get me jobs mowing other people lawns.  One of the things I liked about mowing the lawn was that since we didn’t bag the grass, it gave me lots of time to think and plan.  Something I did a lot of when I was younger.

Today was probably the first time I’ve mowed a lawn since the 80’s. That’s somewhere between 20 and 30 years if you’re counting.  Again, this time mowing did give me some time to think… mostly about how I hope to never do it again.

Ok.. I know what you’re thinking… it’s a small lawn!  Well, the photo doesn’t show everything.  There’s more on the sides and back.

1. Mowing the Lawn Tastes Like Dirt

My back yard is out of control.  It’s dead and mostly dirt and weeds.  I didn’t get a photo of it, but lets just say that running a mower over dirt creates quite a dust cloud.  Sucks!  So of course that’s going to fill your mouth and nose with dirt.  But one thing I learned today is that basically all mowing tastes like dirt.  I don’t like dirt.

2. Lawn Mower Technology Hasn’t Really Changed in 50 years

Ok.. is this the same mower I was using back in the 80’s?  You’d think that by now there’d be some new technology to make this job less dreadful.  The bag kept falling off the back and every time it did I had to stop the mower, put the bag back on and restart it.  Oh and by the way, you still start it by pulling a string real hard. Where are the lasers?  I’d suggest Dyson take a whack at designing a better mower, but if he did I’d be compelled to buy it and the job would still suck.

3. I’m Extremely Out of Shape

See how my lawn is on a slight hill?  Wow!  Just look at the photo.  I’ve got nothing more to say in this category.

4. I Still Need Help From My Dad

“DAD! The mower won’t start!… I just can’t get it to start again…”  ”Oh… It’s out of gas? .. I see.. OK.”

5. I’m Allergic to Dust and Grass – AKA: I’m a Sissy

Did I mention that mowing tastes like dirt?  I have allergies and mowing kicks up dust and particles of grass and pollen and stuff and it kills my sinuses.  Not to mention the whole dumping the bag thing.  Ok, I admit that I’m a bit of a sissy and don’t like working outdoors.  OR sleeping outdoors.  OR playing outdoors for that matter.  Basically I don’t like the outdoors.  And camping.. well it doesn’t make me a happy camper.  In Jim Gaffigan’s last comedy special he does a bit about how much he hates camping. He has this to say:

In case you’re wondering, my outdoor exception is water.  A pool would be nice.  I’ll have to get rid of the dirt field out back and put in a nice pool.  Yeah!

6. Surely I Can Raise the Money to Pay Someone Else To Do This

I think the main thing I thought about today was that I don’t want to ever do this again.  For $75 a month I can pay someone else to do it and they’ll do a MUCH better job that I would.  That’s only $2.50 a day.  Well, $2.50 a day IS about $2.49 a day more than I make off of ads on this here website.  So I’ll have to come up with some other revenue stream.  But recession or not, it now a priority.

When’s the last time you mowed a lawn?